When love gets lonely...
Pretty much exactly one year before this picture was taken, I wrote this text into my journal. I was in such a different place in my life...a much darker place.
Take this as a reminder that no matter how hopeless or dark any situation might seem, pain is bound to change and change is happening constantly. Brighter days will come and the sun rises every morning.
picture by Tine.Ohz
When love gets lonely...
When I wake up each morning, there is a person breathing next to me that I have known for months; even in my sleep, I feel his feet touching mine under our blanket. I used to love this man. I used to feel seen and heard and loved by him. I used to enjoy his hands on me. Today, when I look at his closed eyes, his chest rising and falling in the rhythm of his breath, I feel empty. I feel lonely. The air in my lungs feels heavy. Every day when I pass by the bakery, I look into the window. I see the small cakes and think of what I could get him to feel better. When I meet my friends, I am never fully present because I worry about him alone at home. From the outside, I am never alone. Two rooms in one apartment leave little space to be by yourself. Inside though, I feel as if the weight of my world and his world are resting on my shoulders, and they are mine to carry. Sometimes I wake up at night, feeling as if I can not breathe because I am suffocating under the weight of another person's lost hopes. Some days I look at the dark circles under my eyes, and I feel anger boiling in my veins. I feel frustrated that I let somebody else take so much of me. I feel furious about me accepting a situation that leaves no space for my soul. The ears that once were open and craving my love of sharing don't seem interested or even aware of my existence anymore. The eyes that once were looking through my shell and into my heart without judgment get tangled in the reflection of my skin and don't look for my MORE anymore. For him, my body seems enough to seek a connection between lovers. I do not want you to touch me, because you do not see me. The hours of talking, connecting on the deepest level, and getting inspired by each other's deepest truths decreased to minutes and seconds. The interest in my passions, beliefs, thoughts, and facts are gone… My presence that once was enough isn't anymore. I have been living in the closest presence of another person and yet in the most suffocating loneliness. When this love got lonely… I guess it had already been time to let it go.