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My secret

originally published November 15, 2017

I want to let you in my heart. I want to tell you something I have never officially addressed, but today I want to be honest and find peace with that part of my story. Thank you for listening. 

Since being here ....... 

for some time now..... 

I guess I started giving birth to the new me... 

I guess I also started letting go and regaining the little girls' trust which has been caged for way too long inside of my body and is so ready to spread her wings and fly freely. 

I was that girl that hated herself. 

I was so miserable I wanted to die. 

I wanted to escape my skin. 

I believed that something inside of me was profoundly wrong. 

There was no way someone could ever love me for who I really was. 

Swallowed by fear, loneliness and caught up in the numbness of denying myself, I was trying to live my life. 

I was trying to stuff this empty burning, ever-present  hole in my chest with any superficial possibility I could imagine. 

Because I was too lost even to notice that I couldn't find myself...

Because I was too scared even to look... 

Because I was too numb to notice the pain which I carried inside and the desire for love which was burning like a forest fire through all my limbs. 

I lost myself in the superficial world for validation. 

I couldn't believe that anyone ever could love me. 

That anyone could ever love this little girl inside my heart which was acing for love., acing for light, acing to breath and to feel a warm touch, a hug, a glimpse of hope, eyes that could see who she was and but couldn’t live. 

Because there was no way for me to find love for my soul and because admitting that would have been more painful than I could have ever imagined myself being able to handle, I stopped caring for that little girl and reduced my worth and validation on the vessel of flesh which is carrying me through this life. 

I felt like this was all I had. 

And for a while, validation worked... on the surface at least. 

I am pretty; I got attention, I felt seen. And somehow chasing this type of validation got so addictive so quickly. 

But never could this superficial validation touch my heart. 

It just went as thick as my physical skin is. 

I never found what I was looking for. 

I never found love, because I hated myself. I couldn’t receive love because I had no love for myself.  

Day by day looking in the mirror and judging me, grabbing skin on my hips and hoping it would go away, comparing myself to everybody and never feeling beautiful or good enough, Having sleepless nights in muscle pain, starving, feeling so lonely  but  not being able to let anyone come close,  not being able to admit to myself or anyone else that I had a problem, because I was afraid of judgment. I judged myself so hard; I was so incredibly mean to myself that I could have never believed someone could like me if there wasn't this physical image of myself anymore. 

I hated myself for who I am, but at the same time, I was too ashamed of what I was doing to myself that I couldn’t ask for help. 

I have never openly talked about it, and I just realized that a few days ago, when I was talking to Fiona about that part of my story... Realizing this made me feel fake and like a liar in a way. I don’t want to be one of the social media girls who put on a show and pretends to be perfect. I am not perfect, and I don’t want to be.  I want to help and inspire people. I want to find a connection and send hope and light. And I want to apologize to anyone I was trying to hold this image up to. I want to apologize to my family for pulling myself away from them and pushing them away. I want to apologize to my friends for not letting them in, and I want to apologize to anyone I was trying to hold this image up for. 

But the most! 

I want to apologize to this little, lovely, lonely girl inside of me. 

And  I want to apologize to this body. 

All this time I was abusing this body, and yet my legs are still carrying me. 

All this time I was so mean to it.

 I wasn't giving it what it needed at all. 

I was pushing it so far it nearly broke. But to this day it is still here for me, and it still is the most beautiful and safe home. 

I was punishing and judging it for not trusting me when there was no reason to trust me, and yet it never judged me and learned to trust me like a newborn child again. 

This is a journey, and I can not thank my body more for going through this with me and not leaving me, not letting me down and letting me alone. 

Thank you. I am so sorry for what I did to you. 

And with this, I want to promise you to always care about you.

 I want to treat you like a newborn baby and hold you lovingly and safely for the rest of this life because you are my most magnificent home and I am so grateful for everything you have done for me. 

I am sorry. 

Please forgive me. 

I love you. 

Thank you. 

And I want to apologize to this little girl. 

You have been so patient with me. 

You have been silently waiting in the dark, watching me run into all these shallow directions, losing myself but always ignoring you. But instead of turning away from me, you stayed there. You kept sitting in the dark, freezing, silently crying and you just waited for me to become ready enough to get in touch with you. 

And instead of judging me for taking so long and pushing you so far away from the surface and any light possible, you smiled and accepted the beginning of walking towards the light. 

I am sorry for hating you, for denying you, for giving you so little trust, for believing nobody could ever love you. You are beautiful. 

You are the most beautiful and loveworthy being I could ever imagine, and I am beyond grateful that you forgive me.

I am sorry. 

I love you.  

You are allowed to fly now. 

Spread your wings and fly. 

The dark place which was your home for so long is allowed to become light now. 

Every day I am letting go of the dust and layers which cover the light and hold it back, setting this dark place on fire and drowning it in warmth and light. 

It is ok. The darkness was our comfort and everything we knew, but its time is over, and it is ok to move on.  

You are an angel, and you are light. 

You are allowed to step into your true self, 

become this channel of love and light you always were supposed to be And set us free - Set us all free. 

I love you. 

Thank you. 

This is what I wanted to tell you about today. 

I had many problems, with myself, my self-image, food, exercise, controlling things, intimacy, love, sex... 

This is a journey.  

I never was perfect, and I never will be. 

I was never alone with this, but I felt like I was. 

You are not alone with your demons, and I hope by sharing my story I can send you some light and some support. 

Happily and honestly I can say and feel how I already did let go of so much and how I am letting go of more and more every day. 

Some weeks ago I could have never imagined myself putting myself out here the way I am able to do today. 

But as I said before, I want to apologize for the dishonesty I was living in and portraying. 

I didn't do it with any bad intentions. 

I wished so much to be the girl I was trying to be, but I couldn't become it until I let go of everything I was validating myself with to notice how the actual light and beauty was always inside but covered by fear and doubts. 

Shine bright little lights! 

Let go of what you are afraid of.  

Let go of who you think you are, who you think you are supposed to be 

and become curious, become yourself. 

You are not alone. 

And the unknown is not as scary as we think it is. It hides a lot of beauty once you took the step.  

The soul inside of you is beautiful, I promise. 

Thank you for listening. 

Thank you for being on this journey. 

I am free 

All the Love, The new Pauline. x


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