Beauty?

originally publsihed 22 April 2017



Ok So... Let's talk about beauty.

I don't really know how to start this but.. I am just about to learn a message and  have the feeling that this message and chapter,  which is just about to find its way to me is really important, helpful and worth to be shared. 

I always suffered from being reduced to my outter appearance, but little did I know that I only have been reduced to it because I LET people reduce me. Because when I was honest to myself.. I, myself did reduce my worth on how  I looked.

And I myself did built myself a prison through that. A prison which was so tight I could barely breath. A prison with such strickt believes about how I am supposed to be, thats how I am supposed to look etc.... And if I would fall out of this prison, even a tiny bit. I wasn't worthy anymore. 

I was so scared of not being that girl in my head, because I honestly felt like having no worth anymore then.

And as much I suffered from being judged and put into boxes by other people, I did suffer from judging myself so incredibly much. 

And it took me so so long to realist and accept, that I just kept working against myself and my purpose in life, because I had to stay in this static, old prison. 

I was and still am afraid of change in this particular part of my life. But it is necessary for success and happiness in life to understand and accept that life is change, constant change. When you try to hold on to things you will fall out of the flow and actually lose everything, instead of going with the flow of life and nothing that change doesn't have to be scary or bad. It only is more uncomfortable because we aren't used to it. 

I worked against myself, and in that way even against my health! 

I always took really well care of my body but only to the extend which I / my prison allowed me. And that leaded me to losing my strength and energy several times.

Because I wasn't 100% in alignment between what I was feeling and what my head was telling me. I couldn't stay in the flow of life because I was too scared of losing control. 

And it is so sad that I nearly pushed myself over the edge so many times, that I was so close to lose love and passion for parts of my life, parts of myself. 

I instrumentalised different parts like, sports, diets or other interests to be able to keep up my prison. the prison which was only based on fear. 

In a way, I always was fine and happy because I knew I am on a journey going in the right direction. Also I simply   chose ways which I still always loved and had fun. But deep down I always could feel and I always knew this is not 100% real and this way of talking to myself, treating myself and living is not sustainable for me, because it is not completly in alignment.

As I always reach for the best and highest I can, that brought me into some extrems with some kind of extrem backfires. And so I lost energy and time for things I loved deep down in my heart, but didnt give myself permission to do and feel. 

Hell ! I am scared of not being good enough! And because of that I thought being pretty is the only way for being worthy. 

But in this last weeks such a big twist happened in myself, it is uncomfortable and scary to change the way your mind worked, but it is  so worthy. 

I started being able to give my body another reason. 

My legs are there to carry me, to run, to dance, to walk, to stand - not only to be skinny

My arms are there to hug people, to carry things, to hold myself - not only to be slim 

My tummy is there to digest beautiful plant based foods that nourish myself and to hold my organs - not only to be ripped 

My Mouth is there to speak words of kindness, truth and inspiration - not to look like on a magazine 

My nose is there to embrace all the smells around me and to carry oxygen into my lungs every day 

And My eyes are not only there to be nicely covered in makeup. My eyes are the window to my soul and to deliver magnetic energy to inspire and motivate people. My eyes are my ability to experience all different kinds of this world. 

By giving my Body tasks, how it serves me. I felt as if my prison opened up a little bit . Of course I can't say that I unconditionally love myself form one day to the other. I don't think this is possible, but it makes me really proud and happy to see changes in a way I like them to be. Also to see how I let my body change and being "brave" enough to simply go after what exactly I feel like in this moment..., gaining weight, not doing sports, doing sports, eating healthy, sleeping etc etc.

It is really therapeutic to watch myself / my appearance to pendle into a direction I was so freaking scared of and see nothing life changing happens. It is great to face my fears and take away a bit of their power because in the same time I am so uncomfortable with things I gain so much. I discover myself and new ways. I practice kindness on a whole new level. And I just get so much better in being spontaneous and let things be. I can tell how I am healing my body, for good after pushing it so so much and I can tell how passions and hobbies come back, which didnt have space and time in my prison. 

I really hope I could open your eyes and maybe encourage you a little bit how freeing and beautiful it is when you stop having so many rules for yourself, in case you struggled with the same, or similar. 

Also... don't be so hard on yourself. The person that judges you the most and hardest is always you, others don't even have the time and focus to judge you so much, they are busy judging themselves. 

A really good friend of mine once told me that I should only talk to myself  ( in my head) as I would talk to her. I think this is a really good exercise to being kind to yourself and learning to love. 

You are allowed to feel uncomfortable thinking about what I wrote. You are allowed not being able to take a step out of your comfort zone yet. You are allowed to be scared. But you are also allowed to be whoever you want and only start pleasing yourself. Just let this little story of mine stay in your mind for a while and hopefully encourage you at some point.. 

If you want to exercise for it more, write down lists everyday and you will see how your focus changes and how you then are going to be able to take steps out if your comfort zone, or always feel free to contact me 

I wish you all open eyes and kindness,

take care 

xxx  

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