originally published November 20, 2017
Time has lost its direction and substance again, what happened just a few days ago feels like from another life.
Fiona and I were on Oahu immersed in magic, carried by the universe.
Life didn't even feel real anymore because beauty was everywhere and the love in my heart expanded into the infinite.
Everyday I woke up I couldn't believe what was happening in my life and how I deserve to be this being living this magical life.
Every night I went to sleep I couldn't put into words how grateful I was for everything and everyone that was part of this path.
Our eyes were shining. Our souls were dancing. Our spirits were laughing.
The last day of our time there was so overwhelming, really beautiful things happened but we had a flight booked to go to the big island and so we did.
I felt not that happy about it but I saw it as a good experience and challenge to detach from everything that happened on Oahu, to not hold on to anything and walk into the unknown with open arms and a open mind.
To clarify: we flew to the big island because there was an organic farm which looked quite nice on a work exchange website. We wanted to safe some money, by living there for free in exchange of some farm work, which we didn't mind. I didn't really feel drawn to this island but as the farm was there I thought: Ok lets give it a go.
Arriving there was quiet interesting already. The little piece of land rising from the deep blue was covered by thick grey clouds, rain was pouring down on us and it felt as if we just flew into the movie „Pirates of the Caribbean“.
Our host picked us up from the airport. I still had this lost feeling in my tummy and heart but tried to stay optimistic. For sure it only was my ego trying to hold on to the experiences in Oahu.
For over an hour we drove through the jungle under the gloomy sky.
When we arrived.. It was a quiet small place, really alternative, reaaaally alternative.
But it was alright, we got shown our room which was located inside a big green house, just a little shack with a tent on the roof where we were supposed to stay.
I don’t want to say anything bad about the conditions of the farm, our „room“, the bathroom, the kitchen anything, that is not what I am here for. For some people it seemed to be a good place to call home for a while and I am not here to judge anyones living conditions and life choices.
But from the first second on…. I knew we didn't belong here. Fiona was still a bit more optimistic even though she for sure felt the same way but yeah..we came there all the way from the other island so we wanted it to work out.
After the first night we decided that we would definitely not stay 4 weeks though, two would be enough as an experience.
Weirdly this lost and heavy feeling I was trapped in since we arrived there did not go away. Instead it actually got stronger and stronger..
I started to feel more and more lost and uncomfortable, for Fiona it was the same.
Through these energies in the shortest period of time it seemed like our magic and light was disappearing. I could physically see how our eyes were not shining anymore, without any reason I suddenly had a really bad infection on my face and I just could feel so strongly how I was closing myself of from everything.
My senses fell asleep and we just had this uncomfortable feeling in our hearts. It felt as if we came here as two airy creatures, seeking light and flying high between the stars, and on this farm was so much earthy, heavy energy and so many somehow lost people that it felt like drowning…
The second night we both woke up at the same time, feeling super anxious as if someone was really close, someone or something was trying to get into our heads. All the dogs around us went crazy and the cats cried so loudly without any visible reason. It was so creepy..! We felt so unsafe that we decided there was no way possible we would stay another night in here.
Next morning we worked in the greenhouse for a few hours, as soon as we finished we hitch hiked to the nearest town to get wifi in a bar. We felt so lost, had no idea where to go and how to get away from this place as it seriously was in the middle of nowhere.
„Coincidently“ a friend of Fiona’s friend was on her honeymoon on the same island as us. She and her wife were staying on the other side of the island, around two hours away. But as Fiona called her, desperate for help, the two beautiful women happened to be just 20 minutes away from where we got internet.
They didn't even really know us but offered to take us with them and let us sleep at their place.
At that point I just felt like the universe was taking care of us again, these women were sent from heaven or somewhere and my gratitude for them was and still is just not expressible.
Without even hesitating they gave us a hand when we needed it so badly and carried us out of this place were we felt like losing ourselves.
Thank you at this point Caitlin and Sam in case you read that ! I will never forget that xx
They let us stay at their place for two nights until they flew home to California. We booked a flight back to Oahu on the same day.
The evening we arrived there, so much weight was lifted off my chest already but still this lost feeling was lingering around my heart.
I felt it, just as Fiona did but having a clean bed, a shower and a safe place to sleep was just more then we wished for in that moment.
The next morning the heavy feeling was still there, squeezing my heart in tightness.
I didn’t want to waist another single second of my life feeling that way.
So I turned to my trusty yoga. I dived into my self practice and observed all the heaviness and the tensions from the last days melt away.
After an hour of preparing my mind and my body I was sitting there on my mat - still, the sun tickling on my face. I started crying for the first time ever in my self practice.
I felt like my spirit was free again, sending and receiving vibes from all directions. My fingers were tickling and I knew my connection was back. I could feel how the sun, the moon, the ocean, the air, the sky and the earth were with me again.
In that moment incredible gratitude was spilling from my heart.
Suddenly the reason for this experience showed itself so clearly to me.
I so deeply felt how I am nothing.
I do not exist as a single being. I am the universe. I am a soul of a universe.
I am nothing but the universe’s channel of love and light, living on this planet in human shape for a little while.
Everything that is glowing inside of me, everything that is coming to me and everything my path includes is only reflection of the universes love which it channels in and through my body.
When I lost my connection I became this vessel of emptiness. I was lost because I was empty.
This experience taught me so much which I can’t even put into words.
Since this moment I noticed how I am trusting even more, how I am more humble and grateful for anything that happens to me.
Thank you for that organic farm…
I don’t care wether I have money or not anymore.
I don't care what people think of me.
I don't care if somebody believes in what I do or not.
I don't care wether something seems impossible or not.
Because I just trust in being guided and taken care of so so much.
These days taught me to ONLY EVER go with the path my heart is guiding me towards.
NEVER again let my mind tell my heart what is right or wrong.
NEVER give into old thinking structures or fear.
NEVER lose faith in my intuition and never lose faith in the universe.
The minute I found my connection again something really magical happened ….
Maybe all of that sounds really hippy, weird, and cheesy to you.
But oh dear, let me tell you this is so real.
The universe carried me so safely the last months I cant even believe what is happening in my life.
I became this completely new person when I started truly trusting and letting go of barriers between me and everything.
I started truly healing and leaking love and light through all my cells when I started noticing that all the strength to heal the universe has is already inside of me.
This was a story of our big island experience, but even more so it was was a story about learning a really important lesson - learning to trust your intuition and your heart, they carry all the wisdom of the universe. And that for sure knows where your path is supposed to take you.
Excited to spent time on Oahu now again.
This island is magical and I am more then happy to come back.
Magic is about to happen. I can feel it.
All the Love