originally published March 15, 2019
When situations get heated, and all of the sudden two people that love each other get loud and shout horrible things through the room.
One team becomes two parties, and instead of making progress through conversation and growing together you are ripping each other's trust apart and adding situations on the list of hurtful outfalls.
I know it...
I know most of us have never learned how to communicate with productive outcomes and peacefully.
I also know how easy it is to give in to an impulse and all of a sudden go down this horrible path of anger and blind frustration.
But it doesn't have to be like that!
No matter if you want to improve your communication skills and relationship with:
your mother, best friend or partner,
Zwiegespräche ( English: Dyalog) can be your best tool and help for peaceful and effective communication.
" Dyalog means to me: I am painting on my self portrait in front of the other person"
- Sebastian Gruben (translation from german)
Dyalog is a way of communication that the
German psychoanalyst Michael Lukas Moeller introduced in the '60s.
He goes in depth about the rules and ideas behind it in his book:
Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit (Purchase Here, only german available)
The book gives a lot of insight and rules.
As I couldn't find a translated version of the book anywhere,
I thought it would be a great idea to share the basic concepts of his theory with all my English speaking friends out there.
Thank me later ;)
I am going to talk about the summary and version I have discovered for myself to practice and succeed with.
Both people who participate have 10 minutes to talk
WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED BY ANYONE.
Best: put a timer.
When the clock rings, the person can finish their sentence, then their time is over and its the next persons turn.
(The original Dyalog recommends repeating the rounds of 10 minutes 2-3 times before not talking about it anymore.)
2. NO interruption
I mentioned it before, but in your 10 minutes, nobody is allowed to interrupt you.
When it is somebody else's turn - you are quiet.
And you do everything you can to make this a safe and uninterrupted space for all the participants.
Also the "meeting" you two have is not allowed to be interrupted. Make sure you are in a safe space so everybody can feel relaxed and comfortable when opening up to one another.
3. ONLY TALK ABOUT YOURSELF
This rule is the hardest to follow when you have never done it before.
You need to practice this way of communication before you get used to it, but ones you get the drill it is fantastic.
When you start talking in that way you will notice how you automatically learn about your self and get insights you didn't even know yourself. Instead of just firing up more anger and frustration about the other person.
Besides that, it is the easiest way of opening yourself up.
It creates a connection, peace, and love between you and the other person — no hate, shouting, and screaming.
The idea is to only talk about your feelings, your experiences, your fears, hopes, wishes, dreams, disappointments and so on - NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.
Remember the portrait ?
An easy rule of thumb is to only start sentences with I and never with You.
You are pretty much good to go when you manage to do that.
I give you an example:
You are never listening to me! You put everything else before me! You Don't Care about me! You only ever care about others!
I often feel like I am not listened to. It makes me feel insecure and sad. It makes it hard for me to believe you are interested in me and like me for who I am. And then I just close off even more because I dont believe you want to hear what I say.
I wish for more presence in our day to day life.
It's pretty easy to imagine the different energy and outcome of the two right ?
4. Lifting hand
When you notice your partner is not talking about themselves anymore but starting to fall into the pattern of giving accusations, lift your hand and the other person knows.
5. Dont talk about it afterward
After everybody, had their 10 minutes go on with your life. Don't talk about it anymore until at least the next day or your next session.
6: personal Suggestion: Keep notes
What I like doing is keeping notes and when there is a situation that makes me feel angry, disappointed, sad, etc. instead of mentioning it in a heated case or when feeling overemotional I write it down, sit with it a few minutes and talk about it the next time I have my ten minutes of sharing.
I recommend practicing Dyalog 1-4 times a week. Depending on the situation and how much need there is for it.
8. Keep the appointments
Sit together and make an appointment or appointments that you keep with the same seriousness you would keep a meeting with your lawyer. Dedication and reliability to the other person and their vulnerability is essential.
These are all rules and suggestions I have for you today.
I hope they can help you; they certainly helped me before.
Have a beautiful day